Horrible Comic Cover O’ the Week 2/15/08

Okay, so it’s been a little more than a week since the last cover, but we don’t really run this ship with German efficiency. Anyways, here’s a whole heaping helping of horror straight from Punisher Force of Nature, written by Duane Swiercyznksi with art by Michel Lacombe.

Frank Castle kills Moby Dick.

You know what I find special about this cover isn’t just the obvious allusion to Moby Dick and the obvious comparison it brings between Captain Ahab and Frank Castle, but the bizarre sequence of events that must have lead to this situation.

Follow my logic for a moment, if you will. The Punisher’s whole purpose in life is to exterminate criminals in the most violent, gratuitous manner possible. The Punisher only kills those who deserve to die. So for the Punisher to get in a rickety little boat and push off into the Deep Blue Sea with nothing more than a spear to waste a giant white whale, what Whale must have been into some seriously illegal affairs. We’re talking like selling dope laced with cyanide to mentally challenged orphans and then eating their dead, drugged out orphan bodies, kind of illegal affairs.

What? It’s the Marvel Universe, if they can undo Spidey and MJ, anything is possible.

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Geek Valentine Ideas

Oi vey, I am feeling very under the weather. I’m like Swedish Host Eva Nazemson sick. Don’t know what I mean? Here’s a refresher.

So as I take a sick day off, I figured it could at least give the people some gift ideas for that special geek in your life.

1. Chocolates: These ain’t your daddies basic box o’ chocolates. I’m talking about specially molded superhero chocolates straight from The Chocolate Vault.

Kneel before Zod!!

There’s no better way to let your little geek know you care than presenting them with a miniature Kal-El for their consumption.

2. 8-Bit Tie: What originally started as an April Fool’s Joke has spun into a full blow geek apparel must have. You’re always telling him how you wished he dressed up more, and this is a great way to easy him into the world of formal dress. Check it out at ThinkGeek .

3. Marvel Romance Trade Paperback: Worried that all that violence and sexy time in the media is ruining your geek’s mind? Then casually slip this little puppy into his weekly Comic Stack and watch him shed a tear or two. You can purchase this gem of graphic literature at Amazon.com.

Hulk Smashed…Marvel Universe Online Cancelled

We’ve been hearing rumors about its demise and finally word came down from on high that Marvel Universe Online has been given the Axe. You can read all the details over at MTV, but basically it all boiled down to money. Microsoft and Marvel both felt they couldn’t suckle on the bosom of their fans enough, so they called it quits.

muo no

I have to say, I’m awfully bummed out about the whole deal. As both a fan of Cryptic Studios and Marvel, I was excited for the possibility of a Superhero MMO on the 360.  It’s also real disappointing that this game got the ax for business reasons and not developmental issues. I could have accepted it if the game just didn’t come together, but to kill it because you didn’t know how to World of Warcraft money is pretty shitty.

Next time fellas, if you’re going to shit can a game, at least let us know when the rumors hit and not 4 months after the fact.

Oh well, at least now Cryptic can focus on their Unnamed MMO  and maybe Marvel can look to finding another studio to make their fighting game since EA Chicago bit the big one last year. In the mean time, everybody back to City of Heroe / Villains.

So you want to go to a comic convention?

As the first major con of the year, Wonder Con, approaches on the horizon I feel it is important to provide some of my fellow geeks with some simple do’s and don’ts to survive the con season.
Stormtrooper Elvis

1. Comfortable Shoes – This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give anybody going to a con. I imagine some of you are of the hearty, husky variety so it is especially important to show your tootsies some love as you plod the convention floor. Even if you’re dressed up like Red Robin, you should still rock some comfy cross trainers when you are working the floor. If you have the chance, I would recommend hiring a small asian boy to ferry you about the floor in a rickshaw, but it is rather pricy.

2. DEODORANT!!– This one point has been beaten to absolute death, but it is still relevant. There’s going to be thousands of the unwashed masses wandering from booth to booth in bemused wanderlust, and that can equal quite a lethal stench. If I had to describe it, the smell is somewhere between a Cambodian Mass Grave and a decommissioned slaughterhouse. So please, for the sake of all of those around you, slap on some Old Spice and make Bruce Campbell happy.

3. Be prepared for swag – At the con, people are going to be throwing all kinds of advertising knick-knacks and swag your way, so it would be a good idea to bring some kind of bag to contain it all. Fortunately, lots of booths will supply you with baggage to contain your epic loot, but if you feel you need the extra space, it would probably be a good idea to bring a backpack to store any valuables you may purchase.

4. Bring your own food – Convention food is always pricey and if you don’t want to waste time finding some local place to eat, pack your own supplies. A nice sandwich, some chips, oreos, a couple of bottles of water and a monster and you are set for the day. Of course, if you aren’t a porker like myself you can always pack less….AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!!

5. Make sure to hit up the Small Booths – While it is always super sweet to swing by the Marvel and DC Comics booths, don’t forget that there are a lot of indy people their wares. At last year’s Comic Con, I passed by a small booth for a group called the Stunt People and after some casually chatting picked up two of their films. It was probably the best purchase I made at the Con and I’m now a fan. The moral of the story being, take a chance and show some love to the guys trying to get their foot in the door.

6. Don’t be a Fanboy – I get it, you can’t believe what Bendis is doing to the Marvel Universe and now that he’s coming to town you want to give him a piece of your mind. But seriously, that’s what the internet is for. These people are taking time out of their lives to come and share their love of the medium with the fans. It’s pretty awesome, so don’t ruin it by trying to bitch out somebody because you don’t like how they are running shop.

7. Talk to the Creators – On the flip side of number 5, remember this is an awesome opportunity to talk to the creators of your favorite comics. What other entertainment medium gives you that kind of opportunity? Make sure you take it, if you have the chance tell Joss Whedon you love what he did on Astonishing X-Men. But once again, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. What would Thumper’s Mom say?

8. Let your Geek flag fly – This is one of those rare opportunities to share your love for comics with thousands of others. Don’t be bashful. Co-mingle with people. Dress up as your favorite character, we all get it. If you see somebody with a kickass Green Lantern T-shirt, don’t be afraid to give them a compliment.

I hope these tips have been in someway, helpful, but most importantly, just remember to have fun. How many times in your life can you see Superman and Spidey eating a hot dog at the concession stands?

Horrible Comic Cover O’ The Week 2/4/08

Catwoman

Okay…just to get the easy joke out of the way, CATFIGHT!!!

Seriously though, I don’t care how many times publishers say otherwise, comics are made for 18-30 year old men. What about this depiction of two ladies, tightly embraced, ripping the clothes from each others bodies, biting lips, says female empowerment?! The only way this cover could be any kinkier is if they were fighting in a pit of mud…or jello….or jello mud.

Way to go DC Comics…Women in Fridges and super sexy lesbo catfights. Nice.