Nicholas Cage Knows What’s Up

So I know three really awesome things about Nicholas Cage.

1. He named his son Kal-El.

2. He took his last name after Luke Cage, AKA Power Man. Yes, the same Power man that sports a yellow blouse and tiara.

3. Nicholas Cage knows how to treat the ladies…case in point.

That’s right…You’re Welcome.

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Trailer Trash : Never Back Down

As always, we wade through the waste to bring you the absolute worst in the film trailers so you don’t have to waste your time when the cinematic abortion actually comes out in theaters. This week we are going to take a look at a trailer for a film I’m calling bullshit on called Never Back Down. If you haven’t been exposed to this toxic trash check it out at the official website.

http://neverbackdownthemovie.com/

Shit has never been dressed up so well! I’m sure that some jerk off originally pitched this as the OC meets the UFC and it all fell apart from there. It even has FUCKING VOLCHEK from the OC in it!! ARGHH!!!

So basically, the plot, as I can figure it out, is about some new kid coming to town and talking to the wrong girl. So her asshole boyfriend, who just happens to be an illegal underground fighting champ, beats the shit out of our hero. Our hero wants to even the score so he finds a large black man, who is well versed in MMA, to teach him the ways of beating people to a bloody piss. Our hero will then step back into the illegal underground fighting and beat the asshole and get the girl.

Dear lord, now that I think about it, that plot sounds awfully familiar…hmm… oh that’s right, its because they made this exact same movie 15 YEARS AGO!!! yeah, check it out, the movie was called Showdown and it is fucking identical to this new fangled piece of shit.

Never Back Down

The only differences between these two flicks are that Djimon Hounsou replace Taebo’s Billy Blanks as the large black mentor and they coated Never Back Down in a layer of OC, Abercrombie and Fitch, jism.

There are no words for this abomination. This is just a lame ass attempt to grab a piece of the MMA Boom. To the filmmakers and all associated with Never Back Down, I can only say that I hope you burn in the lowest pits of Cinema Hell.

Geek Theorist : Indy 4

Leaked images and plot spoilers have become almost commonplace on the internet these days. Almost daily the interwebs are inundated with all kinds of spoilers on flicks like Cloverfield and the Dark Knight. It’s getting to the point where one can pretty much piece together what the movie is going to be about, without ever seeing it. So with that in mind, I have taken it upon myself, as a Geek Theorist, to piece together the plots of these films so that you, the viewer, don’t have to waste your time trying to cobble it all together.

This week I’m going to be taking a look at Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

First, let’s start with all the evidence to date. Aintitcool News has posted a couple of spoiler images like this one of the crystal skull and another pic at MTV.com of Indy in a very familiar looking warehouse. Couple that together with some plot spoilers that indicate Indy is mucking around at Area 51 and a very interesting picture begins to form.

indy4

Could Indy ending throwing down with some Alien baddies? Well, considering the past Indy flicks I’d have to say no. So then what is the possible relation between Indy, an alien crystal skull and the warehouse that houses the Ark of the Covenant?

It is all so simple it is almost foolish. Consider if you will that all two Indiana Jones flicks have been about uncovering relics central to the Christian Faith. The Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. I think if we consider all angles of this the answer is so astounding that it is blasphemous.

I believe that the major twist of Indiana Jones 4 is this: The Crystal Skull is that of Jesus Christ!!

alien jesus

That’s it my friend, Jesus was an alien and the Ark of the Covenant was some kind of Alien Death Machine and the Communists want the skull so that they can destroy Christianity and thus America. HA!

No need to thank me. I’ll be vindicated when we all see the new Indy trailer drop with the Spiderwick Chronicles. Until then, stay up to date on all things Indy 4 at the Unofficial Crystal Skull Fan Page.

And just remember, this is only one geek’s theory.

Trailer Trash: Superhero Movie

Superhero Movie

Please take a moment to watch this trailer:

Superhero Movie Trailer

Don’t worry… you’re not the only one feeling that pain. It hurts to see trash like this made. At first, the idea was new, and granted; it had its fair share of laughs. But enough is enough with these movies. The horse has been long dead and buried, no more need to beat it. How can you take a movie and just make it bad? The movie being spoofed was bad enough, it didn’t need Drake from that damn kids show to make it any worse. It’s hard enough to find superhero movies that are good. With the recent craptacular amounts of bad superhero movies, there’s no reason to spoof them. If you want a real laugh, watch Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, or even Spiderman 3. I know for damn sure I had quite the laugh watching them.

The longer a movie series drags on, the worst it gets. It’s almost inevitable. I put it solely on the directors shoulders to make quality movies. Yes the writer, producers and all that crap play a role as well. But honestly, I BLAME YOU SAM RAIMI for ruining Spiderman. He managed to turn the “friendly neighborhood Spiderman” into an emo fruitcake loving douchebag. And we all know what to do with emos… beat them to a bloody pulp.

Back to the topic on hand, I am beyond tired of seeing trailers for these “movie” movies. Whether it be Scary Movie, Date Movie, or any other crap these writers think of. Stop these movies from being made. Do something NEW and ORIGINAL. STOP TAKING SCRIPTS FROM OTHER MOVIES, PUT A JOKE IN IT AND CALLING IT YOUR OWN!! The horse is dead… let it rest in peace.